When AirPods first launched in September 2016, it was magical. Wired earphones have been a factor of the previous, and regardless of trying such as you had toothbrush heads in your ears (you’ve seen the memes), the wi-fi earbuds rapidly grew to become the most well liked tech product of the 12 months.
I began working at my native Apple Retailer the next 12 months, able to deal with the Genius Bar and repair any drawback thrown at me. Sadly, unbeknownst to me, it was the beginning of my lengthy journey in coping with crusty human bodily fluids from the speaker grilles of Apple’s magic earbuds.
That is the story of the way it felt to scrub disgusting ear wax build-up from one among Apple’s most profitable merchandise, not simply day by day… however a number of occasions a day. Gulp.
That is Tales from the Genius Bar: Chapter Three — the AirPods from Hell.
Disclaimer: This story could set off flashbacks or carry again unhealthy recollections for any ex-Apple workers — In the event you’re simply grossed out please proceed with warning, reader discretion is suggested.
These occasions are based mostly on a real story. All names and likenesses have been modified however each single bizarre, grotesque, humorous, or healthful anecdote occurred throughout the partitions of an Apple Retailer someplace on the market.
It’s the place the place hundreds of shoppers arrive late to their appointments and demand service; The place the place handing a cellphone lined in your bodily fluids over to a stranger is deemed acceptable; The place the place you entrust technicians along with your most beloved recollections and your deepest, darkest secrets and techniques. Welcome to the Apple Retailer, a spot I known as house for a lot of a 12 months and a spot that has many a story to be informed. You’ll need to hear about all of them — however you’ll want you might overlook half of them. Consider me, I’ve tried. Learn Chapter One and Chapter Two.
Do you might have your personal story to inform from the world of Apple Retail? Tell us through X @TalesGeniusBar or through e-mail
An AirPods horror present
After I suppose again to my time working on the Apple Retailer, no product haunts my thoughts greater than the dreaded AirPods. Don’t get me flawed, I like my AirPods Professional 2, actually, they’re in all probability among the finest merchandise Apple has ever made, utterly revolutionizing audio on your common shopper. However as an Apple worker, few merchandise hang-out your nightmares just like the AirPods, particularly the unique first-generation mannequin.
“What’s so unhealthy about just a little white toothbrush head?,” I hear you ask. Properly, let me paint the image. Derek from down the road walks into the Apple Retailer. The audio on his AirPods simply isn’t as loud because it was once, and he’s beginning to doubt his listening to — he could seem like he’s in his late 40s, however poor previous Derek isn’t even 30 but.
Simply think about, minding your personal enterprise doing all of your day job, when Derek fingers over his AirPods. You open the case to disclose the earbuds, and virtually immediately, the stale stench of dried ear wax fills your nostrils — think about the worst BO you’ve ever smelt after which think about that staleness no more than 10 centimeters away out of your mouth and nostril.
That is what hit me — my nostril twitches as I power myself to maintain a straight face, “have you ever cleaned these at house?”
“Sure, mate, clear them each week, so I do.” He replies, sweat dripping from his forehead with a glance of panic (Derek, should you’re studying this — I all the time noticed by your lies).
Again then, Apple’s tips on cleansing AirPods weren’t as rigorous as they’re in the present day. These days, most Apple Retailer workers will ship you house with a cleansing information documenting tips on how to clear your AirPods, however in the beginning of my tenure, it was all about cracking the crust.
After watching prospects like Derek squirm of their seats, it was time to scrub the monstrosities. “I’m simply going to take these around the again for a fast clear, received’t be a second.” I shut the lid of the AirPods case, take a deep breath, and head to the Genius Bar Restore Room, able to confront my internal demons.
Think about the worst BO you’ve ever smelt after which think about that staleness no more than 10 centimeters away out of your mouth and nostril.
Outfitted with a small brush and sticky tack, I proceeded to work my manner by the stale brown crusty ear wax and produce music again to Derek’s ears. Simply earlier than we get to the cleansing, it’s value noting that I’ve a fully horrible gag reflex, which suggests the scent of one thing even remotely disagreeable causes me to style vomit in my mouth — hold this in thoughts, we’ll come again to it.
I’ve by no means stated this out loud earlier than, and now I’m about to publish it on the web, however I used to take immense pleasure in cracking probably the most cussed of ear crusts out of an AirPod grille. There was this bizarre satisfaction of understanding I used to be actually good at it that made the disgusting process just a little bit extra acceptable. That stated, it is without doubt one of the most revolting skilled duties I’ve ever needed to endure.
Brush on the prepared, I begin chipping away on the crusty brown movie protecting the grill. The extra I brush, the extra the ear wax flies within the air, crumbling to the ground round me. I can’t assist however really feel sick in my abdomen. The small room begins to achieve a whiff of bodily fluid, and I don’t need to make it worse by vomiting all around the flooring. I take the sticky tack and canopy the grill, every removing like getting chest hair waxed as I have a look at the brown crust sticking to the tack. I warned you in the beginning this was gross, now think about these scenes a number of occasions a day — I positively wasn’t paid sufficient for this.
I have a look at the sticky tack, questioning what I’ve finished to deserve this. After which it occurred. I may really feel the gagging, it was about to get a lot, a lot worse for everybody concerned. I gag as soon as, I gag twice, and on the third gag, I knew it was time to drop every little thing and make my option to the lavatory as rapidly as attainable.
Within the retailer the place I labored, the lavatory was on the opposite facet of the Restore Room, which means I wanted to run previous Derek with a mouth able to implode stuffed with vomit. I needed to do it, I needed to make eye contact with him, and I needed to stay as calm as attainable — nobody may ever know.
I brace myself and transfer calmly however swiftly towards the Genius Bar. I see Derek from the nook of my eye, faux to smile, and beeline for the lavatory. I’ll spare you the main points, however on second ideas, the cheeseburger I had on my lunch break was not a good suggestion.
I clear myself up and make a return to the store flooring. I really feel disgusting, however I must act professionally — Derek deserves to listen to music once more. At this level, the crusty ear wax particles have left the air, and the room smells much more acceptable than the staleness I left on my option to the lavatory.
AirPods in hand, I return to the Genius Bar, “Sorry for the wait. Give these a attempt, and let me know should you can hear the music loud and clear.”
Derek takes the AirPods out of the case, unaware of what’s gone on behind the scenes. He locations the earbuds in his ears and begins enjoying Apple Music. “No, mate, it nonetheless seems like I’m underwater.”
I look into the abyss. That is what my life has turn into. I’ve used my naked fingers to scrub another person’s soiled ears, I’ve vomited within the toilet, and all for what? All for nothing.
“Let me take them again to the Restore Room and see what I can do.”
Tales of the Genius Bar is a bi-weekly column unique to iMore. Do you might have your personal story to inform from the world of Apple Retail? Tell us through X @TalesGeniusBar or through e-mail
